Too Late I Loved You
by Graceful Willow
Summary: Yue has finally cracked. How can he be worthy of love when past actions prove otherwise? Y+S Rating for subject matter.
1. Default Chapter

Greetings and Salutations! It's been practically a year since I last posted anything. Here's an idea that's been playing around a bit in the back of my mind. Please let me know what you think. There's more already written but I'm still not sure where its going to take me before I get to the end.   
  
Disclaimer: The characters contained herein belong to Clamp.  
  
On with the story.  
  
'Sero te amavi, Pulchritudo tam antiqua et tam nova!  
Sero te amavi.' S. Augustine  
  
Chapter 1  
Too Late I Loved You  
  
"But its raining!" Kero wined. "I'll get soaked!" In a panic, Kero continued. "How about if we did a reading from the cards to find him, or . . .or ,send Eriol? Or, even better, just let him alone? You know he hates to be bothered, and then he would just come back on his own, when he's ready." Not detecting any yielding from Sakura, Kero begged. "Please, please, PLEASE. Don't make me go out there!  
  
Sakura turned and glared. "He'd do it for you." Then her face softened. "I have to, Kero. It's my fault. And I don't want to go out alone." She sighed. "Besides, with the Great Beast of the Golden Eyes out helping, we'll be home in no time." She flashed a quick smile. A little flattery didn't hurt.  
Kero saw that smile and caved. Sakura was right. If their roles were reversed, his brother would come looking for him. And too, he was the Great Keroberos, Guardian Beast of the Seal! However, none of this changed the fact that by walking out that door, he'd be soaked. Mumbling the whole way, Kero preceded Sakura out the door.   
  
They opened the door and surveyed the sight before them. Visibility was low as water fell in unbroken sheets from the sky. Although the wind seemed to be dying down, Kero could already feel the cold biting into his fur. Wet, cold, dark. "Trust Yue to come unhinged during a typhoon" Kero muttered. Then, more clearly, "We'd better split up. Cover more ground."  
  
Sakura barely registered Kero as she pulled out the Fly card. Transforming, she took off swiftly. Kero followed her example and Keroberos emerged from a swirl of feathers and blinding light. He moved off in the opposite direction.  
  
  
-graceful willow  
13 January 2002 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: The characters contained herein belong to Clamp.  
  
Special thanks to all those who reviewed, especially to Lun(A)zul for encouragement and continuing correspondence.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
  
  
Sakura circled around Tomeda tirelessly, her mind a whirl with thoughts of the past day's events. She had awoken to a threatening sky. Low, black clouds crouched along the horizon and the wind had picked up considerably from last night. She contemplated the view briefly. Then she smiled and hurriedly began her morning ablutions. Today Tomoyo and Eriol were coming.  
  
The last few years had been lonely. As everyone grew up, they changed. Old schoolmates had moved away. Syaoran had returned to China to fulfill his obligations to both his clan and Meilin. After graduating from school, her father had quietly slipped away. Sakura didn't begrudge the fact. He had missed his wife too much. Once Sakura had grown up, his promise to Nadesico was complete and he left this life. Touya had a job that kept him on the go but he still came home on the occasional weekend and holiday. Tomoyo and Eriol had been the last to leave.  
  
That left only Yue and Kero. Together, the three had fallen into a comfortable pattern with each other. They had turned the basement into a study, reinforcing the walls and putting up magic barriers so Sakura could practice. The early morning she usually spent in quiet contemplation or studying. In the afternoon Yue guided her through magic drills to strengthen and focus her growing powers. Kero helped her to combine magic attacks with physical combat. The evenings they spent quietly together. But, overt the years Sakura had noticed a subtle yet persistent withdrawal from Yue.  
  
Slowly, thoughts of him began to occupy more and more of her time. Why was he drawing away? She'd thought of speaking with Kero, but the change had come so gradually she doubted if the little beast had even noticed. Suddenly, Sakura shook her head. Can't afford to think of this now. Tomoyo and Eriol were coming!  
  
"Kero?" She called as she finished getting ready. "Kero?" A muffled screech came from her brother's old room. Sakura smiled yet again. She'd gotten a new game for Kero the other day and from the sounds of things, the game was outsmarting Kero. Stifling a laugh, Sakura stepped across the hall and opened the door. "Kero, you promised to help today. Remember?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm coming. I'm at a perfect place to stop anyway." Sakura wasn't too sure, but the flashing 'game over' sign may have been the source of the yellow beast's inspiration.  
  
Humming softly to herself, Sakura continued to the kitchen to begin baking for tonight's feast. Mentally ticking off ingredients Sakura didn't see Yue. Yue watched his mistress slowly make her way to the kitchen. He sighed.  
  
He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately. Being unsealed had been difficult but in those days there had been the cards to change. Then he'd met up with the reincarnation of his late master. Nothing could have prepared him for that nor for the renewing of old memories. It was with another sigh of relief that he had bid farewell to the young man. But, while the parting had brought some respite for him, Yue could see that it had hurt Sakura. Not that Sakura would ever let it show, but he could tell. Sakura had had only him and his sometimes, alright, usually, annoying little brother.  
  
He hadn't minded the solitude but he'd watched as Sakura changed over the years. Yes, she'd become more beautiful, more caring, more confident, especially as she grew into her powers. But, she'd also become more quiet, more reserved, no longer the overly expressive girl she had been as a child. No, instead, as the years passed she became increasingly more like the master he felt echoes from in Eriol. Ever so slowly Yue began to feel stirrings of old feelings, feelings that frightened him. Feelings he had tried so hard and for so long to forget. Instead, in the glow of Sakura's presence, they grew more insistent, demanding to be noticed, demanding that he throw off his passive role and take action. Yue became aware of the direction his thoughts were going and reigned himself in. Turning abruptly, he left Sakura alone to her preparations.  
  
* * *  
  
"Sakura. Sakura." Kero called. "I've finished the cleaning."  
  
Yue was just coming up from the basement as Sakura emerged from the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron. "Many thanks, Kero." As Sakura removed her apron Yue came to stand next to the hovering beast. Grabbing her wallet and putting on her shoes, Sakura was saying, "There are a couple of things I still need to get for tonight. If I hurry I shouldn't be too long." Turning to her guardians, she admonished, "Kero, under no circumstances are you allowed in the kitchen. Everything's almost done and I want it to be perfect for Tomoyo and Eriol."  
  
Then she turned to Yue. As she had prepared for tonight her hair had become slightly disheveled and there was flour on one cheek. Yue resisted the impulse to wipe it off. "Yue, please help Kero to stay from the kitchen." Sakura ran out the door, but remembering something she popped back in time to see Yue grab Kero's tail. She giggled and two sets of eyes turned in her direction. "Be nice you two. And thanks for everything. I'll be back soon." She left and took with her an image of a little yellow animal struggling madly in the grip of an unperturbed angel.  
  
* * *  
  
A little over an hour later, Sakura returned, breathless but triumphant from her foray into the grocery store. She removed her shoes and noticed two sets of new shoes. Excitedly, Sakura entered the rest of the way, "Hello?" Light steps came from the living room and Sakura found herself face to face with Tomoyo. With a squeal of delight, Sakura launched herself into her best friends arms.  
  
"Tomoyo! How have you been? Where have you been? What have you been doing? Tell me everything!"  
  
"Slow down, Sakura," Tomoyo laughed. "You've not missed a thing. We've only been here a short while. And of course we wouldn't start anything without you." She gave Sakura another hug, noting with some surprise that her friend had grown taller than her over the years. Sakura had always been shorter. It was a pleasant change. "Let's go back to the living room. I left Eriol there with Kero. Who knows what's happened since I've left."  
  
Sakura paused, "Have you seen Yue yet?"  
  
"No, but Kero said Yue was working on something and would be up shortly." Sakura put it from her mind and went into the living room to catch up with her friends. They visited and laughed and slowly the conversation moved to dinner. Yue still had yet to come up.  
  
"Maybe we should go ahead and start. Kero, I'll need your help with the table and food. Then I'll get Yue."  
  
"Sakura, why don't you go get him now? Eriol and I can help Kero. And then we'll be ready that much sooner!" She gave Sakura a gentle push toward the basement door. Sakura gave them one last questioning look and after their assurances went into the basement.  
  
"Yue?"  
  
Yue  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
Where are you  
  
"Why are you sitting in the dark?"  
  
Why are you sitting in the dark?  
  
Yue heard her words mingle with echoes from his past. Together, the sounds surrounded him, washed through him, leaving every nerve raw and exposed. His breath caught and he squeezed his eyes shut. Not now. Why is this happening now, he thought frantically.  
  
Sakura called again. "Yue, please let me find you." The sound of her voice pained him, rubbing harshly against his skin. But, it wasn't her fault, it could never be her fault. Yue took a deep breath and let a small light flicker to life.  
  
"Hoe!" squeaked Sakura. She had been practically on top of her guardian without even knowing it. Yue continued to sit, staring at the floor.  
  
"Yue" she began haltingly. On some level she knew tonight was going to be hard for her silent friend, so she reached out, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Yue, I know tonight is difficult for you. And, I know I don't understand all the reasons why but please, please come up. I want you," she paused, searching for the right words, "I need you to be up there with me. You are very much a part of my life, just as they are. Tonight, I want to be surrounded by all of my friends, all of the ones I love." She smiled at Yue. "Please?"  
  
Please.  
  
I want you. I need you. I love you.  
  
Don't leave me.  
  
Yue sat and struggled . If she only knew he would not ask this of him. Up there Eriol would be to one side of him, Sakura to the other. The two together would tear him apart. Were tearing him apart. The one a remembrance of loss and the other a constant reminder of what could never be his again. Nevertheless, his mistress had asked and what could he do but obey? Yue nodded slowly in acquiescence, careful not to let her see his eyes. Sakura sighed inaudilbly.  
  
Despite all their time together, her moon guardian remained an enigma. Rarely could she predict his actions and it had become even more difficult of late. She'd worriedly watched the struggle play out on his face. His nod caused a wave of relief to wash through her. To cover her sudden weakness, Sakura leaned forward and hugged Yue. It was the hug that halted her. Hugging him, she became conscious of how long it had been since she'd last hugged and that hugging him now made her feel very different from when she hugged him as a girl. She felt slightly embarrassed and didn't know what to do. She whispered "thank you" into his ear, then withdrew and began to climb the stairs.  
  
Yue sat in silent shock, his eyes gone wide. His mistress was hugging him! He didn't know what to do! So, he closed his eyes and just breathed. That was a mistake. Her flowery sent assaulted his senses. Hesitatingly, he began to lift his arms, to hug her back, when she whispered thank you in his ear. Then she was gone. Which was just as well. The feel of her breath on his skin made him shiver. He pulled himself together and looked to see Sakura at the head of the stairs. She turned. Her lips curved softly and then she held her hand out, palm up. Yue stood and made his way up the stairs. Carefully he placed his hand in Sakura's. She gave his hand a gentle squeeze and then turned, bringing Yue into the warmth and light upstairs.  
  
* * *  
  
Dinner truly was a struggle. Any and all attempts to draw Yue into conversation met with silent stares. He refused to speak. He refused to eat. Gradually, all conversation ceased and the meal continued in silence. Sakura was more than aware of the surreptitious glances Tomoyo and Eriol kept tossing at each other. Thinking they were about Yue's odd behavior, she ignored them. Sakura became so lost in thought she almost leaped from her chair when a noise shattered her reverie.  
  
At it turned out, it was only Eriol tapping his glass. Clearing his throat, he began, "Now that dinner has died down," he winked at Sakura, "Tomoyo and I have an announcement." He held his hand out to her, and blushing, Tomoyo placed her hand in his. "Tomoyo has graciously accepted my proposal for marriage. We will be married in the spring and would like each of you to be there."  
  
Sakura practically sighed, how romantic, but it sure took them long enough. She felt very happy for her friends and watched with an amused look on her face as Kero buzzed around the couple and gushed all kinds of congratulations. As Sakura prepared to go offer her own good will, she saw Yue stand abruptly and woodenly leave the room.  
  
Noticing the worried look on Sakura's face and the direction of her gaze, Tomoyo's mind began to whirl. Coming to a decision, she caught Sakura's attention and then made shooing motions with her hands. Sakura nodded her thanks and then hurried out after Yue.  
  
She didn't find him in the kitchen, but the back door left slightly ajar hinted at the direction he may have gone. Stepping out onto the porch, Sakura found Yue standing at the far end, his shoulders hunched, his face cast in shadows.  
  
"It's cold and wet out here. Come back inside with me." Yue stared at her uncomprehendingly. "Yue, what's wrong? Aren't you happy for Tomoyo and Eriol?" But, he just continued staring at her. "Yue, what's wrong? You're scaring me." She took a step toward him but he backed away. He was now standing in the rain but he paid it no heed. "Why are you doing this? You're getting soaked. Let's go inside and you can explain it all to me if you want but just please, come back in." He just shook his head and took another step backwards. "Is it something I did? Is it me?" she continued softly. She could see Yue begin to tremble. The, suddenly he gave a ragged cry. Whirling, he spread his wings and left Sakura in shocked silence. 


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you to all who have read my story, and especially to those that took the time to review. You encourage me to finish.  
  
FYI: this is the first chapter I wrote. It had been niggling at the back of my mind for some time. After I wrote it, I had to find out why it happened. And even now, this isn't the end. There is still a little bit left. If you're interested.  
  
Disclaimer: The characters contained herein belong to Clamp.  
  
Finally, she caught a glimpse of white out of the corner of her eye. Moving in carefully, Sakura landed at the edge of a small copse. To shield her presence for a moment longer, she hid within the shadows of the trees. If anything, she knew she had to move carefully. Yue had already run once from her tonight. She could not afford another mistake.  
  
She stood silently and gazed on the huddled angel in the clearing. His normally immaculate dress was askew and muddied. Long hair fell about him raggedly, dripping from its usual tidy wrappings. Wings quivered as his shoulders heaved. Slowly a pressure grew in her chest. It got tighter and tighter till she thought something would burst. She did not understand but knew she had to walk out there or she would break.  
  
She stepped forward, hand out stretched, calling softly. "Yue?"  
  
He turned abruptly toward the sound of her voice. She faltered, seeing his eyes. Eyes so huge, the silver of his irises swallowed up by the black of his pupils, showing . . . showing . . . fear? and something else. Something that tickled at her with its familiarity before sliding back from understanding and then forgotten in the urgency of the moment. Whatever it was, it was quickly shuttered as his lids fell. "You should not have come", he grated out between clenched teeth as he hunched in the pouring rain.  
  
"How could I not?" She asked so innocently. Had she no idea of the feelings, the pain and shame coursing through and consuming his body? Did she have no concept of how close he was to the edge? to losing himself?  
  
Lost in his reverie, Yue had become unaware of the movements of his mistress. But, she came suddenly and forcibly to his attention as he felt her small hands touch his shoulders. He gasped and began to pull away.  
  
"Please, Yue. Not this time. Please don't shut me out."  
  
Please, Clow. Not this time. Please don't shut me out!  
  
Just as before, Yue felt himself existing simultaneously between the present and the past. Tonight's events were brought into painful clarity as they mimicked almost word for word, part for part hi old tragedy. In the centuries separating the two events, nothing had changed. All he had done was give up one unrequited love for another.  
  
Still kneeling, Yue looked up sightlessly at his mistress standing next to him. Images played havoc with his senses, showing first the green eyed beauty intruding on his senses now and then a blue eyed, dark haird man consuming him from the past. Their forms flickered in and out of focus, becoming oddly superimposed on one another, their lips moving simultaneously. "Please Yue, talk to me. I want to understand." Who wants to understand? But, we have already spoken of it before. He knows, doesn't he? Why is he asking me again? Why is he . . . no. No! Yue's mind jumped and he brought himself back to task. To the soaking young woman before him. To Sakura. He focused all of his energy on Sakura, forcing at tearing her image from the blue eyed man, at banishing his spectre.  
  
"Help me. Please." She pleaded again. Yue looked through her eyes. Eyes that reflected the color of a deep primeval forest in the most brilliant of sunlight. Eyes that held no hint of shadow but instead offered warmth, safety, security, and . . .  
  
Yue flinched at what he saw and began to shudder. Deep within him a dam burst. Hot, choking sobs tore through his body. Dimly, he felt Sakura close the distance between them. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders protectively, holding him tight, keeping him from being torn apart. Instinctively, he reached out, his hands fisting in the fabric at her waist.  
  
All the pain, sorrow, and self loathing of hundreds of years came pouring out through his sobs to be absorbed by Sakura's mantle and vanish. Losing all sense of self, Yue fell into a torrent of anguish and tears. He clutched at Sakura like to an anchor, his eye at the center of the storm.  
  
Slowly, Yue's sobs lessened, his energy spent. The pent up emotions from the last centuries gone, leaving him weak and drained. At some point Sakura had laid her cheek on the top of his head. With one arm still holding him closely to her and her other hand gently rubbing small circles on his back, she had begun to make quiet soothing sounds. No words were audible but her calming warmth washed over him in waves. She had used the Shield to keep the pouring rain off of them.  
  
As Yue slowly quieted, Sakura repeated again, "Tell me. Help me to understand." Yue felt himself begin to panic, but Sakura continued her gentle ministrations, rubbing the tension from his shoulders.  
  
In an almost dead voice, Yue whispered, "Clow." He stumbled into silence. Sakura continued holding him, soothing him. "Gods, how I loved him!" he began again. "His every gesture, his every word. Every movement bespoke incredible, unearthly power and yet he was the most gentle man. He was the most fearsome foe, awesome in his wrath but he never turned that wrath on me." Yue's words began to pick up speed. "He loved me. I was his, his creation. And I loved him. With every fiber of my being I loved him! But, somehow I wasn't enough. All that I gave was not enough. It wasn't enough." Yue took a deep, shuddering breath and looked up at Sakura. "In the end he still left. Nothing I could do could keep him here. He grew quieter and quieter. Every day I could see him withdraw more and more. Then he faded away. I failed him and he abandoned me. Don't you see? I failed!!"  
  
He paused, looking searchingly at Sakura's face. Then he continued softly, "And, now, I feel his shadows all about me." He reached a hand up slowly to Sakura's face. "He fills my sight," he touched the skin next to Sakura's eyes. "He fills my hearing," and his hand gently brushed a damp strand of hair behind Sakura's ear. "My smell," the back of his fingers caressed the smooth skin of her cheek. "My taste," and his forefinger moved lightly across Sakura's lower lip. "My touch", and he slipped his fingers along the line of her jaw, down her throat and across her shoulder, slowly finding their way to her hand.  
  
His eyes followed every movement of his hands as he let himself touch Sakura in ways he had never dared to dream. Her skin was warm and smooth to the touch, her hair soft. He could hear the catch of her breath and feel her fluttering pulse when he touched the sensitive skin of her throat. He felt a quickening in his own blood but this time did not bother trying to suppress it.  
  
"I find him in you."  
  
Finally, he looked up in mute appeal, his eyes begging. Begging what? Sakura started back almost overcome by his words and actions. "What are you asking me?" She could feel her heart beat race, her breath coming faster. Her mouth grew suddenly dry. She licked her lips. "Do you need to hear that you have not failed? That I will not leave?" she spoke softly to him. "Do you need my forgiveness to banish your shadows?" Yue stared wordlessly. "Am I to be your absolution?" she breathed.  
  
Yue stood slowly, his attention riveted to Sakura's eyes. They promised warmth and peace. But, now he also saw fear. Not fear of him, but of the unknown, fear of where Yue may lead her. And, surrounding it all, he found hints of something he'd seen before and recognized in another set of eyes.  
  
"Yes." Yue hoarsely whispered.  
  
Just as quietly, she replied, "You are forgiven."  
  
Like sheet lightening on a summer's eve, Yue crushed Sakura to him, his arms encircling her and molding her to his form. Centuries of desire controlled him. He roughly claimed her lips as his own. Hard and demanding were his kissed. Their harshness and intensity almost terrifying to Sakura. Never had she been kissed this way before. Really, the only other had been with Syaoran. Always with Syaoran they had been gentle, a light brushing, as if she were a porcelain doll too fragile for the realities of romance.  
  
But, when Yue went to deepen the kiss, Sakura yielded. She sped along on a tidal wave of emotion and sensation she'd never before experienced. She became acutely aware of all of him, the cold wet of his ceremonial robes pressed against her, his cool clean scent wrapping around her , his taste, and a burning heat radiating from his body. Lost in this new world he was creating within her, she unconsciously moved her hands up from his shoulders, twining her fingers through his hair as she arched into him.  
  
Yue could hardly believe what was happening. To have moved from the valley of despair to the pinnacles of joy so quickly. To be granted again the chance at something that he'd believed for so long could never be his again. When he moved to deepen their kiss she'd unhesitatingly went with him. Sensations and stirrings he had not felt in so long began to awaken memories. Memories of other nights and other kisses. When he felt gentle fingers tangle in his hair he remembered similar fingers doing just that long ago.  
  
Lost in the moment, Yue whispered one word. Suddenly, he felt Sakura stiffen. Her arms fell from him. Sakura stepped back, forcing distance between them. With her gone, Yue felt suddenly bereft and cold. Confusedly, he looked at Sakura, shaking his head in incomprehension. What happened?  
  
"I am not Clow."  
  
Sakura clearly and distinctly said each syllable. Yue stared at her, his hand reached toward her as if pleading. Sakura almost imperceptibly shook her head. His hand slowly fell to his side. He bowed his head in renewed grief.  
  
Turning, he took flight shattering Sakura's shield, heading off into the rain and darkness.  
  
Sakura watched him go but this time did not attempt to stop him. As he broke through her shield, it ceased to exist, leaving her open once again to the elements. Once Yue faded from sight, Sakura slowly crumpled to the ground. The tears of her soul mingled with those from heaven, to slip unheeded down her face.  
  
"O, Yue." She sighed.  
  
-graceful willow 29 January 2002 


End file.
